My Emeralds
by Doc Robotnik
Summary: A story of love, suspense, comedy, and the power of friendship. One lucky lady details her normal life with her new Mobian friends. Rated M for the horrors that await any living soul inside.
1. It Begins

AN: Shit man I have no idea what kinda psychobable I'm about to unleash upon you but please bear in mind that half of this is already pre-written dribble that I'm attempting to "pretty up" to make it funnier. Well, to me at least.

Thanks go to my asshole friends who told me either this was a stupid idea and I sould qui before my mind slowly disappeared into a void of bad writing, or "OMG I LUV U GET 2 WRK ON TI."

-Disclaimers are for pansies who don't understand Copyright Laws in the United States.-

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Mhikal Way and I lave long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with silver streaks and red tips that match my mid-black and icy blue eyes like pimpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Masahiro Sakurai (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!) I'm not related to Reggie but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called THE ACADEMY in Station Square where I'm a seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner, and red eye shadow. I was walking outside THE ACADEMY. It was snowing and raining and hailing and fire and brimstone was hurling down form the sky with the occasional thunder and lightning and plagues, so there there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Shadow the Hedgehog!

"What's up Shadow?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


	2. New Day on Campus

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took off my giant Master Control Reboot T-Shirt which I used for a nightie. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, long necked pink combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. My "Bro", Helboro (AN: Batou dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his waist long raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his lavender eyes. He put on his Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, one fishnet stocking, and steel toed combat boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Shadow yesterday!" he said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Shadow?" he asked as we went outside our room to brave the horrors that is the Carnival Night Zone.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted as we took the Barrel of Doom lift up to the main lobby.

"Yeah, right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Shadow rocketed out of a chute on the side-wall.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtatiously.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, GameCube are having a concert in Hydro City." he told me.

"Oh. My FUCKING. GOD." I screamed at top of lung. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well, do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped as a bouncer hit me squarely in the face.


	3. Reggie and the Gamecubes Rock your World

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather mini-dress with all this corset-like stuff up the front and back. I put matching fishnet gloves on. I fixed up my hair into a spiky Pink mo-hawk . I then looked in a mirror and saw how utterly gorgeous I was so I decided to make myself look more depressing by stabbing myself in the wrists while listening to GameCube's latest hit "Star Fox Adventures". I painted my nails black with my blood and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale with blood-loss already. I drank some of my spilled blood so I was ready to the concert.

I went outside, somehow. Shadow was waiting there next to his motorcycle. He was wearing nothing, except for his trademark shoes which were now black and red, however his motorcycle had this giant Dreamcast flag on the back (they would be playing at the show too). He had on some eyeliner (AN: Please god don't ask.).

"Hi Shadow!" I said in a dreary, tired voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked over to his Coffin-Shaped Harley Davidson (the license plate said "ULTMT 666") with the giant Dreamcast logo painted onto his sidecar (they were playing at the show too) and we got on and flew to the concert. On the way we listened to another Gamecube song, "Kirby's Air Ride". We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the motorcycle. We went over to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and twirled in circles as we listened to GameCube.

"My Body is Ready  
For the intense awesomeness that  
I'm about to put myself through  
Please, powers that be,  
Don't let me fall on my stupid face" sang Reggie. (yes I did make that up. yes, I know it sucks.)

"Reggie is so fucking hot." I said to Shadow, pointing to him as he sung, filling the amphitheater with his amazingly sexy voice.

Suddenly Shadow looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then some small squirrel accidentally punched me in the shins and it all made sense.

"Hey, it's okay I don't like him better then YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Shadow sensitively and he tried to put his arm around me all protectively but some crazy whorebag jumped on him, crashing him to the ground. He tossed her off and impaled her with a Chaos Spear.

"Really." I said. " Besides I don't even know Reggie and he's married to some skanky woman thing. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustingly, thinking of her ugly ass face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Shadow. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Miyamoto and Reggie for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Shadow and I crawled back into his Harley Davidson, but Shadow didn't go back to THE ACADEMY, instead he drove the motorcycle into …... the Death Egg!


	4. Thingies Go in Places

"SHADOW!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Shadow didn't answer but he stopped the motorcycle and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angerly.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Shadow leaned in extra close and I looked into his gothic red eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then...suddenly just as I Shadow kissed me passionately. Shadow climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took off my top and I took off his shoes. I even took off my bra. Then he whipped out his thingie and put it in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! OH!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"

It was...KNUCKLES!


	5. Shadow Shows Off

AN: Oh dear god what the fuck am I doing someone please help me.

Knuckles made Shadow and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my phallid face. Shadow comforted me. When we got back to the ADADEMY Knuckles took us to Professor Jet and Professor Rogue who were both very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Death Egg!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do that you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor Rogue.

"HOW DARE YOU?" demanded Professor Jet.

And then Shadow shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Knuckles and Rogue still looked mad but Professor Jet said "FINE, WHATEVER. GET THE FUCK OUTA BACK TO YOUR CAVES OR SOME SHIT."

Shadow and I went back to the Zone while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Shadow asked me gently.

"Yeah, I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's side of the Zone and brushed my fangs and my hair and changed into a lower-cut black floor-length dress with crimson red lace all around it and black 2 inch high heels. When I came out...

Shadow was standing in front of the bathroom covered in the blood of several other students who tried to stop him. He stood on top of one of the bodies and belted out "Mario Kart: Double Dash" by Gamecube. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be here. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back to his room.


	6. Darcula Puts Heads on Spikes

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was ripped to shreds and a matching top with red human skulls adorning it and half inch high-heeled boots that were neon black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two pentagrams(GEDDIT) in my ears. I grabbed a can of spray paint and "dyed" my hair bright purple.

In the middle of Station Square, I ate some Boo Berry cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of green blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled all over my hot, sexy body.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted it instantly when I looked up into the pale blue face of a gothic hedgehog with spiky blue quills with red caps on the tips. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was feeling naked (ew not really thas jsu nasty). He had on globs of black lipstick. He didn't have his gloves on anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses so his green eyes were now the shade of Shadow's. He had some MANLY stubble on his chin. He had a really kinda annoying voice, almost like he was mocking me with every word he was saying. He looked kinda like Reggie that my body got all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection.

"Sorry toots, I didn't see you there." he said in a mocking voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"The name's Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog. But people around here usually call me Darcula these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed

"Because I like the taste of human blood and I've taken the idea of putting people's heads on spikes after I plow through them at the speed of sound, causing their body parts fly away in every direction. That is, if there's parts left in the first place." he giggled.

"Well I _am_ a vampire." I proudly confessed.

"Woah, really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared at the top of my lungs.

We sat down and talked a while about maiming people. Then Shadow came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. SPACE AIDS

Shadow and I held our pale hands with black nail polish as we dodged the bouncers. I was was wearing red red Satanist songs on my nails in in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat souns like a Maru Stue to u?). I waved to Darcula. Dark misery was in his bloodshot eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Shadow. We went into his room and locked the door. Then...

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took off my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his shoes. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he made his boy's thingy appear and he put it in mine and we HAD TEH SEX. (c is DAT stupid?)

Oh Shadow, Shadow!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Shadows arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words...DARCULA 4 EVA!

I was so furious, yet mildly turned on. I didn't want to admit THAT part to myself yet.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of bed.

"Wha?" he sad, before catching on to what I saw. "No! NO! But you don't understand!" Shadow pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No ,you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have SPACE AIDS anyway!"

I tossed on some clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Shadow stumbled trying to put on his shoes so he forgot to put his gigantic you-know-what away, so it flopped around as ran after me. I stomped out, tossing one of the bouncers in his face so that he flew back and slammed his door. I burst through the walls of the school until I was in Darcula's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Jet and some people.

"DRACULA THE HEDGEHOG, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Prof Jet Rages at a Wall

AN: Shit man why am I doing this to myself someone save me please.

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Shadow came into the room, accidentally mushroom stamped some poor girl with his gigantic thingie as it flopped around, and begged me to take him back.

"Ebony! It's not what you think!" Shadow screamed sadly. The twelve year old girl cried to herself in the corner.

My friend B'loody Mary Hedgehog smiled at me understandingly. She flipped her ginormous black-dyed quills and opened her gigantic crimson eyes (She, too, was wearing contacts.) She had pale pink fur she was trying to hide by dying it black. Amy was kidnapped when she was born. Her parents were two humans who worked in a Nuclear Power Plant and gave birth to a mutant so the police tried to come and kill them and the abomnination but instead they tore open a portal in time and flung her into the future, where FURRIES WERE LAW. Now she seeks a way to get back home, and avenger her parents! But she likes me. It also turns out that she's a Satanist so she's with us in Casino Night instead of Emerald Hill.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU COCKFAGS DOING IN MY FUCKING CLASS?" Jet said in a cold voice but no one paid any attention to him.

"Dracula, I can't believe you cheated on me with Shadow!" I shouted a him.

Everyone gasped. Jet continued to scream and rave. I heard a tree fall in the woods.

SUDDENLY, I could read Shadow's mind!

_I don't understand why Ebony is so mad at me! _Shadow thought. _ I went out with Dracula for awhile but then he broke my heart. he dumped me because he liked Sally, some stupid preppy bitch. We were just good friends now._ Shadow's mind sighed. _He had gone through some really tough times with Robotnik and now he's gone all gothic._

"But I'm not interested in Shadow anymore!" said Dracula.

"Yeah fucking right! I hope you eat shit and die!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and stole one of the school buses and drove off to the Death Egg where I had lost my virillity to Shadow and then i started to cry like a little bitch.


	9. I am the Walrus

AN: HERE WE GO FOLKS. TIME TO KICK THIS SHIT INTO OVERDRIVE.

I was so mad and sad (and turned on, still not wanting to admit how hot it was) at Shadow for cheating on me. I began to cry against the wall where Shadow first cockslapped me.

Then all of a sudden some creepy music started playing and a fat, egg shaped man in some kinda half-bubble descended down from the ceiling and moving twords me! He had this giant red mustache and he was wearing this really strange red vest. It was...Dr. Robotnik!

"NO!" I shouted in a scared way but then Robotnik shot em in the leg with a laser and I couldn't run away.

"ZAP MOTHERFUCKER!" I shouted at him as lightning shot out of my hand and his pod thing expoded. Robotnik landed safely on the ground, with no damage whatsoever ot him. how does he DO that?

"Ebony!" he yelled. "You must kill Dracula the Hedgehog!"

I thought about Dracula and his sexy eye and his gothic quills and how his face reminded me of Reggie in a really creepy way. I remembered that Shadow's thoughts told me that I didn't understand that he was a homolust anthro and he went out with Dracula way long ago.

"No! RoBUTTnik!" I shouted back.

Robotnik shot me in the other leg, and tossed some kind of syringe at my feet.. "No! Please!" I begged.

"You WILL!" he yelled. "If you don't kill that hedgehog, then I will just have to kill your beloved Shadow!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Robotnik gave me a 'Bitch, please' look. "Are you dense? Every dumb bitch wants Shadow." he answered cruelly. "And if you don't kill that goddamn hedgehog, then you know what will happen to Shadow!" he shouted. Then he jumped back onto his Egg-O-Matic and flew away, cackling all the way.

I was so scared and mad (even turned on by this, eeirely.) that I had no idea that I was bleeding all over the floor. Suddenly Shadow warped in to the space station.

"SHAODW!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hey." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and really messy eyeliner kind of like a trapezoid (LOLOLOL) between Reggie and Iwata.

"Are you okay?" I asked, forgetting about my two burned, and possibly broken, legs.

"Nope." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you had THE SPACE AIDS and I was going to die a horrible death at the hands of the enemy." I expelled.

"That's okay." He said all depressed as he grabbed me and tossed me out of the Space station and we made it back to THE ACADEMY making out as we fell from orbit.


	10. KoolAid Man's Revenge upon the Masses

AN: _There was a Author's Note here once. It's gone now._

I was really scared about Robotnik all day. I was even upset as I rehearsed with my gothic metal band "666 Bloody Vamp Violet". I am the lead singer, as well as the guitarist, lighting expert, manager, producer, and CEO of our record label (United Goths Ltd.). People say we sound like a hexagram between GameCube, Master Control Reboot, Sega Saturn, Nevar Borradores, Street Sharks, and Road Rovers. The other band members were B'loody, Darcula, Shadow, Tails (although everyone nowadays calls him Baal, and he dyed the tips of his tails blue.), and Big the Cat. Only today Dracula and Shadow were too depressed so the wern't coming today. So we took the afternoon to rip off other talented artist's songs and call them original content (DO NOT STEAL). I knew Shadow was in his room crying about his mom Maria (she committed suicide by leaping into the sun.) and was shooting himself in the face (he wouldn't die because he was a hedgehog and the only way you can kill a hedgehog is if he didn't have a r-i-n-g (there's no way I'm typing that fully (AN: SO. MANY. PARENTHESES.) or a pit.) and Dracula was off making people explode and putting their dismembered heads on spikes. I undressed in front of everyone and put on a black leather shirt that showed off my breasts and a tiny matching miniskirt that said "PENIS GOES HERE" on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm not. Sluts have no dignity, unlike us whores.

We were singing a cover of "The Crab Song" when suddenly I stopped and burst in to tears.

"Ebony! Are you okay?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerned voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. Then I said, "Well, Dr. Eggman came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking zap Sonic! But I don't want to kill him, because he's really nice, even if he did make sweet, passionate, yaoi love to Shadow under a full moon one night in the Autumn. But if I don't zap Sonic, then Dr. Robotnik's going to kill Shadow!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Shadow broke through the wall, like the Kool-Aid man.

"OH YEAH!" he said all macho like. We all stared at him for a second, until he remembered the the reason why he came in. "Why didn't you fucking tell me?" he shouted. "How could you, you...you...FISH LICKING COCKNOSE! GO SUCK A DUCK DICK FAGGOT!"

I stared to cry and cry. Shadow started to cry too because he broke his arm busting through the wall. He went off to the hospital.

We practiced for another hour or so,like nothing dramatic just happened at all. Then Knukles burrowed in from a hole in the floor. His eyes were all fiery and this time I could tell it wasn't from some kind of headache.

"What have you done!" he began. "Ebony, Shadow was just fond in his room, dead of a gunshot wound to his skull," Knuckles proclaimed.

We all gasped. "And what's worse," he continued, "was that your fingerprints were found on the gun! You're now wanted as a murderer!"


	11. Knuckles PI, of Porkslope Turkeyhandle

AN: I'd like to thank the two reviewers for their kind words. Your words are part of the beacon that is helping me through this nightmare. Also something about Penises, I don't know.

"NOOOOO!" I screamed. I was horrified. "There's no way! I was here the whole time!"

"Nevertheless, Ebony, you're now under arrest. You can come with me quietly or else we will have to take you in by force!" Knuckes said as he cracked his knuckles.

B'loody Mary tried to comfort me, but I punched her in the face and told her to fuck off. I dashed out the door under Knuckles and ran to my room, crying the whole way. Knuckles followed me screaming "GET BACK HERE!" but I never turned around. He caught up to me at my room but I zapped him with my magic so he retreated to go get some backup.

Anyway I shut my door and cried tears of blood and then I stabbed both my wrists again. Blood got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped angrily into the bath while I blared some Master Drive at full volume. I grabbed a steak and began to slap myself silly with it. There was no way I was going to let those cops take me in! Don't they know what happens to beautiful, sexxy young girls in prison? I was NOT going to get violated. After I was done bathing and slapping myself, I hopped out of the bathtub. I put on six pairs of metal skull earrings. As I was about to put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly when I looked out the window, and proceeded to scream.

Outside my window, Prof. Jet and Vector were watching me! And Vector was holding a camera! I couldn't believe he was recording me naked! What's worse, Professor Jet was masticating to the whole affair!

"EW YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU SOME KINDA PERVERTS OR WHAT?" I screamed as I grabbed a black towel with the face of Shigeru Miyamoto. Suddenly Darcula ran in.

"Hey Prof! Why don't I give you **A HAND **there?" He said as he spin-dashed through Proffessor Jet's hand around his you-know-what, causing both it and his hand to explode in a shower of blood. I began shooting a gazillion bolts of lightning at both Jet and Vector and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly Knuckles broke through the wall followed by the Station Square S.W.A.T. Team. "Ebony you cannot escape from us forever! You're coming with u - NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!" He shouted as he saw Jet and Vector outside in a fountain of their own blood. "Ebony, is there no end to your spree of crimes?" Knuckles began walking twords me and suddenly...

Big the Cat broke through the ajorning wall like it wasn't even there. He was holding onto his trademark fishing pole. "Dur, we need to talk," he said.

"GOD DAMNIT YOU PURPLE LUMP OF SHIT, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOUR BRAIN'S THE SIZE OF A PEANUT!" said Jet as he tried to reattach his thignamajig.

"Froggy says that I know plenty of things. And besides," Big paused angrily. "I too speak to the Ists of Satan!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU FROG LICKER?" Jet said as he began duct taping his hand back on. "YOU NEED TO STOP FUCKING FROGS FOR TWELVE SECONDS AND GO BACK TO PRESCHOOL."

"Now everone, just calm down..." Knuckles said, trying to keep what little bit of piece there was.

Vector held up the camera triumphantly. "The lens may be ruined, but the tape is still good!"

I felt faint, more then I normally do like how it feels when you have sat through all of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog" in one sitting and have to do a paper on it.

"So then Biggy, what ARE you doing here?" Vector said as he wrapped his scaly claw around his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to rip his tiny head off and shove it on a spike and drink his bodily fluids because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE...becuase..." Big said. And just stood there. Minutes went by. No one said anything. "What am I doing here? Froggy, whatam I doing here?" HE said as he looked at his fishing pole for it's supreme guidance. Then he began humming some strange chant.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A HUGE GINORMOUS CARDINAL-SCRUBBING TWAT FACE?" Jet said whispfully, obviously about to faint from the extensive blood-loss.

"I remember!" Big said, stopping suddenly. "It's because me and Froggy and Lucifer love Ebony! We wanted to whisk her away and have her have our babies!"


	12. Big the Cat gives himself Anal

AN: Disreguard this message, riding a wheelbarrow ful of dicks up my own ass.

I was about jab a knife in my eye from the idea of seeing Big the Cat naked, hoping that the intense pain it would cause would help me forget the horrible mental image. I reached down to grab the gun Shadow gave me to destroy my enemies with, when all of a sudden a horrific yell echoed throughout the room.

I looked up hoping to see Big sprawled out on the floor in pain, but instead I saw Dracula screaming over in the corner. "OH HOLY SATAN. WHAT IS THIS PAIN. SHIIIIIIIIIII-" Dracula screamed as he fell down on the ground. And then...his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "Oh Satan! Duracla! What's wrong?" I ran over to is crumpled up body.

"I suddenly got this vision of a chili dog being slammed into my brain! I think I'm having a vision!" Dracula said as he somewhat regained his balance.

"Tell me! What do the visions tell you?" I said, impatiently.

"I see...I see Dr. Robuttnik!" Dracula began. "I see Dr. Robotnik holding Shadow...in BONDAGE!"

This stunning revelation somehow caused the universe to twist and turn and we were all thrust violently into the Station Square hospital. I was tied down to the bed (ew not yet perverts) and being treated for the giant open gashes in my arms. Jet and Vector and BIG were there with me. They were being shipped off to some facility somewhere because you can't have sex fiends teaching in a school filled with hot goffik girlz. Knuckles had constipated the tape and had punched the video camera so hard that the tape decided it was not worth existing anymore so it simply vanished. He then left the hospital room to go discover the cause of the sudden world shift. Jet and Vector then exploded in a giant firework procession of not-needed-anymore-for-this-part. I put my middle finger up at them.

Big the Cat then walked back into my room. He produced a bouquet of pink roses from somewhere, and I was not about to question where. "Enoby, we needs to talks bout soem thin," he said as he tried to hand me the roses.

"Fuck off," I said in disgust. "You shoulda known I hated the color pink. And besides, why would I talk to some purple prep fag like you?" I jerked violenty, forgetting I was tied down. Big had once tried to rip off my clothes wit his fishing pole one year because he was "curious why I had things all over me".

"No Ebony" Big said, his idiocy seemingly fading. "These are not just roses."

"What, are they goffs too you fucking poser?" I asked because now I was just curious why the hell he was here.

"I saved your life!" he said, angrily. "No, that was Knuckles," I retorted. "What _YOU_ saved me from was from being prematurely debued on the internet. And from Jet and Vector viewing me." Who were MASTABATED over it he added silently.

"Yeah, whatever!" I huffed.

"As I said," he started again, "these are not just roses." He stared at them for a little bit and then took a bite outa them. "This is my lunch." He suddenly got a real evil look in his eye and shouted "_**VAEX WUX VUTHA IEJIR GHONTIX!**_" and suddenly the roses erupted in a giant burst of Hellfire and the souls of the damned shouted and flowed out from the fount of pure _evil_ that Big was holding. He took another bite of the flowers, savoring the flavor of eternal damnnation.

"Oh-kay. I believe you. Now what does this have to do with Shadow?" I sighed.

Big just rolled his eyes. I looked into the ball of eternal torment but all I could see was a reflection of myself.

"YOU SEE, ENOBBY," Knuckles said as he walked in, wearing a wide brimmed cowboy hat, "To see what truly lies within the flames, you must find your Inner Weeabo."

"I know what I am, lowly echidna!" Big yelled. Knuckles stared at Big for a moment, noting the changed personailty.

Big decided now was the time to leave. He proceeded to rip open a hole in Space/Time and steped through. "_Just know that one day, foolish mortals, I shall return! And I will feast upon your souls!_"

As the rift closed, Knuckles sighed. "He gets like that when he's away from Froggy too long. Don't mind him." He left me a set of clothing and left too, by way of punching a hole in the wall and Gliding away from the 5th floor.

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather mini-dress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Hideo Kojima all over them. I put my hair down so I looked like some crazed spirit from a bad Japanese horror movie. I put on some blood red lipstick, black eye liner, and black lip gloss. I fond and put back in several skull earrings.

Oh my way back to my room, I ran into B'loody Mary. "You look so kawaii, gurlfriend." she said sadly. "Fanks, you do too." I said back, equally as sadly. I felt bad so I ripped off my left hand and drank my own blood, then re-attached it with some of my lace. I went and cried in my bathroom and put on some shades so Jet and Vector couldn't see me this time. I then decided I missed enough classes so I went back to THE ACADEMY. Draclura was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures class, eating a piece of a Hufflepuff he just recently slaughtered. It's head was on a spike inside of it's once peaceful cage. The other Hufflepuff were crying in a corner. He was a little upset because his old ass-bandit friend Shadow was dead.

"Hi." he said deeply and offered me a piece of the Hufflepuff. "Hi back." I replied, taking it and began knawing on it.

We both looked at each other for some time. Drecelu had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Shadow's. Then… he whipped out his Hyper Weapon and shoved it in my mouth. I gladly began milking it.

"Ohoho. Why not whore yourself somewhere else missy?" Rouge said loudly. She was watching us, along with the rest of the class.

"Dracula you fucker!" I punched him in the face and got off his sexxy man-pole. "Stop trying to screw me! You know I love Shadow!" I shouted and ran away angrily.

Just then, Drucala let out a horrified yell. "OH HOLY SATAN. WHAT IS THIS PAIN. SHIIIIIIIIIII-" Dracula screamed as he fell down on the ground. And then...his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "Oh Satan! Duracla! What's wrong?" I ran over to is crumpled up body.

"I suddenly got this vision of a chili dog being slammed into my brain! I think I'm having a vision!" Dracula said as he somewhat regained his balance.

"Tell me! What do the visions tell you?" I said, impatiently.

"I see...I see Dr. Robuttnik!" Dracula began. "I see Dr. Robotnik holding Shadow...in BONDAGE!"


	13. Knuckles PI is a Douchebag

AN: I spent longer trying to write this goddamn Author's not then I actually spent writing this chapter. Yeah, I know. Pathetic.

EDIT: Actually that's a total lie, as you can tell from te publishing dates, cause I am a Gigantic Faggot Please Rape My Face

I ran up the stairs. Dracula was already there at the top. He told me he'd already been over to Knuckle's office. He grabbed my arm and suddenly we were there.

"Knuckles! Knuckels!" we both yelled. Knuckles burrowed out from the fifth floor, hardhat on head.. "The hell do you guys want NOW?" he asked, sligtly peeved.

"Dr. Eggman has Shadow!" I shouted.

"Well duh. I thought tat was common knowledge." Knuckles walked over to is Hat Cabnet and put away his hardhat and grabbed a pair of goggles and put them on. He sat down at his desk and began doing paperwork.

"Well, aen't you going to do anything about it?" I asked frantically.

"No. Why would I care?" Knuckles said as he filled out forms. " I don't give a shit about what Dr. Robotnik does to Shadow. Especially not after how much he misbehaved in school because of YOU Enoby. I never really liked the ashile." Knuckles stopped for a minute, looked at a piece of paper. Dracula began to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry like a little bitch. "Shadow! My Shadow!" he whimpered.

"It's okay." I said but he never stopped. He began to cry tears of blood. I licked them off his cheek, they were delicious. I got so hungry that I almost bit him when suddenly his brain began storming.

"I've got it!" Dracula said as he stood up. Knuckles sighed and walked over to his Hat Cabnet and put away his goggles, taking out a beanie cap. He turned, punched through the wall next to the door, and left.

"What? What is it?" I asked him.

"You'll see!" he said as he grabbed me. Suddenly he took off running. And then...suddenly we were in Dr. Eggman's Base!

As we stopped we heard a sinister laugh echoing throuout the base. It was...Dr. Robotnik!


	14. Why Art Thou Such a Whore, Snivly!

AN: WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. Actually it's not. You might catch a cold of the stupid though.

We dashed to where Dr. Eggman's voice was comming from. It turned out that he wasn't there it ws that long nosed dick named Snivly. Shadow was crying tears of blood. Snivly was torturing him. Dracula and I ran in front of him.

"Pesky creatues, get out of here!" He shouted as we started shooting him with convientent Lightning guns he had laying Then suddenly he took another look at me and his heart erupted in a giant fountain of blood. His eyes began to grow into a deep red. "." he said.

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snivly. I started laughing cruely. "What the fuck? You torture my boyfriend and then you expect me to fuck you? Well, alright." So he stuck his screwdriver in my bolt and we HAD SEX. The moment before he climaxed, owever, I ripped his nose off and soved it into his eyesocket, crushing is brain. Blood poured out of his head like a fountion. I happily drank it up as I climaxed.

"Noooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started running around and screaming. Then he fell down again and died. I burst into tears sadly.

"Snivly! What are you doing?" Called Eggman. Then...he started comming! All over thhe place! It got everywere. We could hear his member shudder as spurt after spurt clacked twords us. So we all jumped on Sonic's back and we juiced it out of there. We went to my room. Dracula vanised because he wasn't needed anymore in this chapter. There I started crying.

"What's wrong sugah?" asked Shadow as heh took off his shoes so we could screw. He hes a sex-pack (geddit cause he's so oh fuck it)and a really huge you-know-what (cause HE'S BLACK DOHOHOHO) and

"It's so unfair!" I yielded to no sign. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da ottter girls and preps except B'loody Mary she's just plain hot."

"Why would you wis to be less then perfect? Less then ULTIMATE? I don't like those preps anyway. They suck fucking sluts, unlike you." answered Shadow.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Jet and Vector took a video of me naked. ("That's hot," commented Shadow. I slapped him.) Big the Fucking Cat says he's in love with me. Dracula obviously wants in my pants and I just fucked Snivly for no real reason! I just wanna be with you okay Shadow! Why couldn't Satan have made me less ULTIMATE?" I shouted angrily. "I'm good at too many things! WHY WAS I MADE INTO A MARY-SUE? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I jumped out a window.


	15. Vector Doesn't Know Shit about Anatomy

AN: I haven't really had inspiration, or drive, to write as of late. Hence the giant break. Whatever.

"Ebony! Ebony!" shouted Shadow sadly as he peeked through the window. "No! Please come baaaack!"

I couldn't hear him, I was falling. Besides, I was too mad.

"Whatever, now you can go and have hot hedgehog on hedgehog sex with Dracula!" I shouted, ignoring the fact I didn't hear a word he said. I warped spacial reality and crashed back into my room. I threw Shadow out the window I just jumped out of, and shut it, locking it wit my blood-red Jack Skeleington key. I started to weep and cry. I took a razor and hacked a piece of my arm off. I ate it all depressed. I then looked at my Dreamcast watch and noticed it was time to goto Biology class.

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Cock Goes Here on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Kojima all over them with blood red letters. I pulled my ebony black hair out and replaced it with ebony black hair. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did some random bullsit that had nothing to do with Biology at all. I was turning a blood soaked pentegram into a siny new black Telecaster when suddenly Shadow exploded out of the guitar, spraying everyone in a gigantic font of blood.

"Ebony I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I don't care what those fucker posers and preps do with their finks! You are the most ULTIMATE girl in the world! Before I met you all I wanted to do was to sky dieve out of Space Colonies! Now I just wanna fucking fuck you! I fucking love you!"

Then...he started to sing "My Body is Ready" (we considered tat our song because we fell in love when Reggie was singing it) rigt in front of the entire class! His singing voice was slightly off key and mildly erotic like a mosh between a bunch of really hot famous people you wouldn't know.

"OM-FGH!" I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared dumbfounded as blood dripped down their faces, but I just stuck up my middle fingers (tat were covered in black nail polish and entwined with Shadows [AN: Dear god that's gotta hurt.]) at them. "I love you!" I said and we kissed like some really sappy Teen Romance shit that girls my age watch and no one else. Then we went away holding hands. Vector tried to say someting but he stopped because a classmember unexpectedly imploded, sowering more blood and guts over the class. A student puked up his large intestine. We looked at eachother. Another classmate imploded. Then I saw a poster saying that Gamecube would be having another concert in Station Square. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went off together. 


	16. Mhikal joins the Street Sharks

AN: This is the point were the writing goes to absolute shit in the original copy. I'm going to debate wheter to leave some of it as is or change it up so it reads better. Also, apologies for not actually., ya know, updating. I've kinda been slacking. EHEHE~

Edit: Probably fucking both. Some of the oomph is lost without the awkward phrasing. Also you have no idea how hard it was to not make an Evangelion joke here.

We ran happily to Station Square. There we saw the stage tat Gamecube had previously played. Tey were there again playing 'Kirby's Air Ride'. I was so fucking happy! Reggie looked even sexier ten e did in te pictures. Even Shadow thought so, I could totally see him getting a boner but it didn't matter cause I knew we were the only true one for each other. I was wearing a black leather mini-dress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Shadow was wearing his hover shoes, as normal. Anyway, we started moshing to Kirby's Air Ride. We frenched. We ran up to te front of the stage to band-dive. Suddenly, Reggie ripped off his face. So did the other band members. It wasn't them at all! It was...Dr. Robotnik and the Eggman Empire!

I snapped back to reality. Looking around, I was still in the middle of Biology class, blood caked all over the walls, Vector still looking unknowing what to do. Me and Shadow walked out.

"WTF Shadow I'm not going to a concert wit you!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened last time. Even if it's Reggie and te GameCubes and you KNOW how much I like them!"

"What, cause we had wild animal sex in the park?" Shadow said with a smug voice because guys like to brag about their you-know-what.

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yelled back agrily, flustered.

"We won't be doing that again." Shadow promised. "This time, we're going with a CALL GIRL."

"ONFG WHAT THE FUCK Are you going mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess you're gonna call a prep or Christina or wat now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"Are you becoming a prep or what?" I shooted at him agrily. How DARE he convert to the heathen religion of the main!

"Enoby! I'm not! Please come with me!" He ducked under my lightning bolts and started singing 'Billie Hatcher and the Giant Egg' by GC to me.

I was flattened by the sheer tone of his vocal cords. That wasn't even a Greatest Hits, he memorized it just for me!

"Okay, I guess that'll do." I said all snooty and we frenced right there in the hallway for awile and then I went up to my room.

B'loody Mary had broken into my room and was proceeding to watch my copy of Night of the Living Dead . She looked up from my TV and said "NEKO NEKO DESU KAWAII" lazilly before she turned her attentation back over to the TV. "By the way, that fagclown brother Mhikal got expelled."

I was not surprised. "What's the reason this time?" I said, quite annoyed.

"He went off and joined a gang of mutants. They call themselves the 'Street Sharks'. They're probably off robbing a bank or something right now."

Well anyway we sat down feeling all depressed for no reason. We watced some really goffic movies like The House on Haunted Hill. "Maybe Mhikal will get shot by the police this time." I said.

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head energeticially letargicially. "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, After I saw him run off with the Street Sharks, I stalked them for about a mile and proceeded to murder them in cold blood, one after another. I saved Mhikal for last. I made his deat EXCRUCIATINGLY painfull." She chuckled innocently. "Then Vector came along and raped all te corpses. I think he's a necropilac."

"Kawai." I commented happily. We thhen proceeded to make out for the rest of the movie.

"OH HEY BY THE way, I'm going to a concert wit Shadow tonigt in Station Square wit GC." I sed. "I need to wear like the hottest EVA outfit."

B'loody Mairy Nodded shook her ead ENERGeticIALLY. "Oh holy shit let's go shopping."

"AT HAWT TAWPICK RIGHT?" I asked as I whipped out my special HAWT TAWPICK LOIYALTI CARDO.

"No." she said. My head snaped.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAA?" My head spun three hundred and sisty degrees. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary Nodded are you a PREP?"

She just laughed. "Oh no. I just found some cool goffic stores near THE ACADEMY, that's all.

"Hu told you about them?" I asked, sure that it wan't Hu, but probably Shadow, or Baal, or Dracula (actually FUCK Darcula rigt now. Wit a giant 40' dildo.) Or me. Or my other self.

"Actually it was Inspector Knuckles." She said. "Let's go call our Giant Plot Birds."

"ONGFFG KNUCKLES?" I asked quietly?

"Yea I saw the map for Station Square on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We hopped out the window onto our Giant black Pheonixes and flew off to Station Square. We ended up going to a few Punk/Goff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts that are held weekly in Station Square. The salesperson was ONG HOTTER THEN REGGIE EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da REAL GOFFS."

"Da REAL GOFFS?" Me and B'loody Mary Nodded asked?

"Ya you wouldn't believe how many posers we have in tis town man! Yesterday Vector and Jet came in ere and tried to by a Goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I didn't even know there WAS sc a ting as a Goffic camera pouch, let alone them owning a camera!"

"ONFG THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN" I cried, running out of the changing room with a long black dress with lots of red tulle comming out and giant holes where my ginormous tits could hang out.

"Oh my SATAN you have to have that outfit." The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totally hot." said B'loody Mary Nodded.

"Ya know what, I think I'm gonna just go against all store policy and give you that dress. It'll probably get me fired but who the hell cares?" he shrugged. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be going to the GameCube concert tonight?"

"Yeah, I am." I looked back at him. "Hey by te way my name is Ebony Dark'ness Demtia VLAD Way. What's yours?

"Julian Rob." He said and ran a hand through his tick, lucious red mane. "Maybe I'll see you there tonight?"

"Yea probably. Just look for me next to my BOYFRIEND Shadow, it won't be hard to miss us." I said, but before he could speak again, Big the Cat air-dropped in through the roof. "OMNFG ENOBDY YO NEED OT GEET BACK INTO THE CHOPPAH NAOW!"


End file.
